Family / Friends / Animals

The Word Of My Testimony (Bulleted & 5-Minute Version)

Hello there, Readers!

Below are two versions of what Revelation 12:11 calls “the word of my testimony.” The first is a bulleted list and the second is a 5-minute testimony (approximately), if read out loud. I ask PAPA to do whatever it takes to soften your heart (and my heart!) towards Him, His Word, and His Will in every area of your life (and my life!) — no matter what it costs!

PAPA’S Blessings on you all!!!

In HIS Great Love!

Beautiful Brave Beloved Warrior Princess Melanee Lisa!
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\o/
—————————

BULLETED VERSION:

• I survived over 13 years of childhood sexual, physical, emotional abuse and neglect.
• I dissociated in order to survive the abuse and was consumed with hatred and anger towards GOD and men, as well as self-hatred for over 30 years.
• I experienced homosexual feelings for over 30 years and lived as a lesbian for over 15 years (7 of those years as a Christian).
• I used pornography, masturbation, and sexual fantasies as coping mechanisms for many years.
• That all began to change when I fully surrendered my authority to GOD’S Authority on 1 SEP 1995.
• KING YESHUA has used Himself, His Written Word, two Christian therapists, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), CHRIST-Centered Family Reconstruction, Celebrate Recovery (CR), two church families, an Adopted Dad and Mom, three Sponsors, numerous Adopted Brothers and Sisters, and HUNDREDS of people through books and in-person, to enCOURAGE, correct, protect, comfort, direct, exhort, and strengthen me since 1 SEP 1995.
• Because of KING YESHUA’S Great Love, I now live as a FREED woman who understands that PAPA is The Only One Who can give me my TRUE IDENTITY and PURPOSE. He Transformed me – spirit, soul, and body – and has Taught me how to live life in healthy, non-dissociative ways. HOLY SPIRIT literally mended my shattered heart back together and I no longer have homosexual feelings, nor do I have the shame, rage, or self-loathing that were my constant tormentors for decades.
• The life I now live is truly The Abundant Life KING YESHUA Promises in John 10:10 – all because He Patiently waits for me to daily surrender to His Authority in every area of my life. He still asks me the same thing He asked me in 1995, “Are you willing to Trust Me – just for today – no matter what it costs?”

PARAGRAPH VERSION:
I grew up in a family where I was sexually, physically, emotionally abused and neglected for over 13 years. I not only hated the 3 men and 1 woman who sexually used me, but I also hated myself – especially my body, because it betrayed me by responding to the sexual stimulations.

There were many unhealthy ways I attempted to deal with the trauma and pain from the sexual abuse, but they were the only coping mechanisms I knew. At a very young age, I was introduced to pornographic magazines, and later found an X-rated novel in the house – what I refer to as “written” pornography. I don’t remember when I first masturbated, but by the time I was 13 years old, I was hooked on masturbation – and devastated by the shame I felt afterwards.

Because of the abuse and neglect, it’s understandable that I wanted to be rescued out of my situation. The way I experienced wanting to be rescued was through emotionally intense romantic feelings for girls. When puberty hit, I also had strong sexual feelings for girls and women. By age 17, I “decided” that I was a lesbian. I simultaneously decided that The Bible was a bunch of lies and that GOD didn’t exist.

That, by the way, is the coping mechanism called DENIAL.

The mechanism I used from the earliest sexual abuse was dissociation. It was one of the reasons I survived hundreds of sexual violations. Dissociation is a big word for what The Bible describes as “brokenhearted” in Isaiah 61:1 and KING YESHUA quotes in Luke:

“The Spirit of the LORD is upon Me, Because He has anointed Me To preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives And recovery of sight to the blind, To set at liberty those who are oppressed.”
— Luke 4:18 (NKJV)

A clearer visual of brokenhearted is a shattered heart, much like glass shattering to pieces when it hits the ground. Even though I didn’t know how deeply broken and wounded I was, PAPA knew; so He allowed me to experience the natural consequences of living in rebellion to Him, until I finally got sick-and-tired of being sick-and-tired.

The prayer I prayed was this: “GOD, I just want to be the woman YOU Created me to be. I don’t know if that means I’ll be homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, or asexual, but I just want to be the woman YOU Created me to be.”

HOLY SPIRIT took that prayer and RAN WITH IT!

On 1 SEP 2014, it will be 19 years since fully surrendering to PAPA’S Authority over every area of my life – emotionally, mentally, relationally, and sexually. Physical health and financial recovery began years later and though I’m still physically ill with Lyme, Babesia, and Bartonella, KING YESHUA is still on His Throne and I’m still His Beautiful Brave Beloved Warrior Princess Daughter! That’s all that matters! OORAH! 🙂

On 23 DEC 2014, it will be 29 years since I surrendered my heart and life to JESUS! I was born-again that MON morning around 1000 and I’ve NEVER received a greater or more priceless gift! HalleluYAH!!! 🙂

KING YESHUA has used Himself, His Written Word, His People (two Christian therapists, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), CHRIST-Centered Family Reconstruction, Celebrate Recovery (CR), two church families, an Adopted Dad and Mom, three Sponsors, numerous Adopted Brothers and Sisters, HUNDREDS of people through books and in-person), and HIS Creation to enCOURAGE, correct, protect, comfort, direct, exhort, and strengthen me since 1 SEP 1995.

Because of KING YESHUA’S Great Love, I now live as a FREED woman who understands that PAPA is The Only One Who can give me my TRUE IDENTITY and PURPOSE. He Transformed me – spirit, soul, and body – and has Taught me how to live life in healthy, non-dissociative ways. HOLY SPIRIT literally mended my shattered heart back together and I no longer have homosexual feelings, nor do I have the shame, rage, or self-loathing that were my constant tormentors for decades. I now FEEL emotions like KING YESHUA Created me to feel and because of His Faithfulness, I know how to manage my emotions, too!

Since PAPA has Taught me what to do when I’m anxious, I no longer use pornography, masturbation, or sexual fantasies. Before recovery, I only had WALLS and no boundaries. I was walled-off from PAPA, myself, and others. Not any more! KING JESUS and I together tore down the isolating walls (HalleluYAH!!!), and He Taught me what healthy boundaries are and how to enforce them in loving, respectful ways. (Actually, I’m still learning!!) I’m also learning how to **not** talk out of fear or be silent out of fear.

The life I now live is truly The Abundant Life KING YESHUA Promises in John 10:10 – all because He Patiently waits for me to daily surrender to His Authority in every area of my life. He still asks me the same thing He asked me in 1995, “Are you willing to Trust Me – just for today – no matter what it costs?”

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\o/

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Categories: Abuse and Neglect, Bible / Scripture / Torah / Truth / PAPA'S Written Word, Family / Friends / Animals, Fruits of Repentance, Growing Up, HIS Great Love!, KING JESUS!, Sin, Testimonies | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

DEC 1985 – SEP 1995 (the short version)

Dear Readers,

Below is a small portion of KING YESHUA’S Story in my life. It’s short, but it’s about The One Who IS GOOD!!! 🙂

_________________________

On MON 23 DEC 1985 around 1000 (10:00 am) I became a born-again Christian. My life was NEW!!! And CLEAN!!! And AWESOME!!! Woohoo!!! 🙂

What I didn’t know was, that in order for my emotional, romantic, sexual feelings to be transformed, I would need to practice being rigorously honest with GOD, myself, and others I trusted. My perception at that time was: If I just give my homosexual feelings to GOD, then He would change them into romantic and sexual feelings for men. Kinda like, “Poof!”

That didn’t work.

In FEB 1988, I started a romantic and sexual relationship with another woman who was struggling against homosexuality. Neither of us were very strong (obviously), and in October of that year I experienced my first suicidal feelings.

In the spring of 1989, I returned to living as a homosexual. Why? Because I could not escape my romantic and sexual feelings for other women — I couldn’t make them go away. And since they hadn’t changed (regardless of how many times I begged GOD to take them away), I decided that He must not want to change them, either. I told JESUS that I could no longer deny He was GOD — but I also told Him that I could no longer deny I was a lesbian.

So, off I went to live my new life as a lesbian Christian in Gainesville, FL. Sure, I had questions like, “Are homosexual thoughts and activity sin?” But mainly I was determined to not feel ashamed of my homosexual feelings. And, I really DID want others to know JESUS and give their life to Him. Really.

In OCT 1990, I and the woman I thought would be my forever life-partner, had a ceremony at the Metropolitan Community Church (MCC) in Gainesville. Both of our gay-identified brothers were present and signed the document as our witnesses.

On 11 NOV 1991, my brother passed away due to AIDS. In 1992, my life-partner and I moved to Tallahassee and in the fall of 1993, we started the MCC in the capital city of FL. Everything seemed great. I was kind of like the “temporary pastor” of the church — not preaching, but the out-front leader who taught that GOD blessed committed, monogamous homosexuality.

There was a big problem I kept running into, though — I didn’t know how to talk to folks about their sin problems. You see, since I was teaching that homosexuality was *not* sin, then how could I claim that GOD’S Word called their behaviors sinful? How could I say to them that there was hope for them to repent of  their sins?

I could not.

Not lying. Not stealing. Not gossiping. Not adultery. Not fornication. Not even pedophilia. “Who was I to judge?” That’s what I kept hearing in my head. So, suffice it to say, I didn’t have much “power” in my life and I felt hopeless to do anything about it.

Even in the midst of my hopeless powerlessness, though, I met some phenomenal folks through MCC, but they were not the answer to my sin problem. My rebellion could not be “fixed” by any human. Well, not any natural human, anyway. 😉

It took only a few years before I couldn’t take the depression any longer. (For those of you who haven’t experienced it, it is extremely tormenting to say there is freedom in CHRIST to change, while simultaneously refusing to surrender to Him and His Power in every area of one’s own life. That’s called “making two choices.” I blogged about that earlier.)

Back to the story . . .

I didn’t want to live with this torment any more, but I didn’t know how I could kill myself.

But, GOD . . .

Only because of KING YESHUA’S Great Love, demonstrated through His Word and a few key folks, did my life begin to have hope. TRUE Hope. Hope for freedom from the tormenting lies I believed about both GOD and myself.

Mainly, though, my prayer was a simple, desperate cry to JESUS — “GOD! I just want to be the woman YOU Created me to be!”

So, on 1 SEP 1995, I started “recovery” regarding feelings — all feelings. The first thing my therapist did was send me to PAPA’S Word to find out what He Says about Himself, what He Says about me, and what He Says about me and Him — together.

This time, though, I wasn’t doing it all alone. This time I had both spiritual and physical support through some of KING YESHUA’S people who had a clue how to love me with 100% Strength and 100% Mercy — His Great Love! HalleluYAH! 🙂 Thank You, KING YESHUA!!! 🙂

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That, Precious Readers, is the SHORT version of life for me from 23 DEC 1985 – 1 SEP 1995!

Thanks for reading and PAPA’S Blessings on you and all of yours!!!

In HIS Great Love!

Warrior Princess Melanee Lisa
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Categories: Abuse and Neglect, Bible / Scripture / Torah / Truth / PAPA'S Written Word, Family / Friends / Animals, Fruits of Repentance, Growing Up, KING JESUS!, Matters of FAITH: Eternal Life or Eternal Death, Sin | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Sorrow Unto LIFE! (versus sorrow unto death)

Dear Readers,

Thanks for joining me today! How are you? I pray you are GROWING in your intimacy with KING YESHUA through talking/listening to Him, studying His HOLY SPIRIT’S Word, obeying Him, and resting in GOD’S Presence!

Speaking of GOD’S Presence, this post is about what PAPA Taught me on TUE 1 OCT 2013 (and is continuing to Teach me) about honoring and respecting others. A painful (and not pretty) lesson, but an extremely necessary one. Read on, you’ll see!
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I blew it relationally with my Adopted Mom last night – ugh!

Thankfully, she expressed her feelings before we parted company, and I apologized and asked for her forgiveness.

But PAPA knew I needed to recognize some SERIOUSLY harmful behavior patterns (in recovery language it’s called, “character defects”). He also wanted me to be willing to make some changes; hence, this post.

What did I do wrong? I made two choices — simultaneously. I texted Mom that I would see her soon to pick-up a VERY special package (my new inductive study Bible!) – woohoo!!! 🙂

That was one choice.

The second choice I made was to stop and talk with a friend — even though I KNEW I was committed to be elsewhere by a certain time.

After I chose the delay over honoring my Mom, I whined to her on the phone about how important that package was (I told you this wasn’t pretty!). So even though she was completely exhausted and needed to go home immediately, I whined some more. (I’m calling it whining, because whining is NOT honorable or respectful.) More attempting to convince Mom through whining.

Mom relented.

I cried, but only because I felt bad about my Mom being so tired. That’s called sorrow unto death — or ungodly sorrow (a.k.a., being sorry I “got caught”).

When we met so she could give me the package, I was still convinced in my self-centered thinking, that if I could just show Mom how SPECIAL the Bible was to me, then surely she wouldn’t be upset with me any more.

Not! (And rightfully so!)

I had dishonored and disrespected my Mom’s time and energy by making a second choice (talking with a friend) — AND — I didn’t want to accept the consequences (not having the package that night).

So although I apologized and asked for forgiveness, it wasn’t until after Mom left (with no rejoicing about my special Bible), that I sat in my car and bawled my eyes out. But this time I cried because I was beginning to “get it.” I had harmed my Mom, which also meant I had harmed our relationship. I was beginning to experience sorrow unto LIFE — HalleluYAH!!!
🙂

That’s when PAPA reminded me of what my first recovery therapist taught me about two choices. How it’s INSANE to make two choices and, in order to be SANE, I would need to choose One Thing. Make One Choice.

PAPA continued by Telling me, “Melanee – you were being immature, selfish, and self-centered when you made two choices. Especially when you didn’t want to accept and own the consequences of your actions.”

So.I.Repented. And PAPA Forgave me. That’s how GOOD HE IS! 🙂

So, this blog is the first fruits of repentance. Owning my stuff in a public forum so that my harmful behavior patterns are no longer a secret. Instead, my “two choices” and “refusing to own my responsibility” are out in KING YESHUA’S Light where transformation occurs! HalleluYAH!!!!!!!
🙂

Thanks for listening, Precious Readers, and PAPA’S Blessings on you and all of yours!

In HIS Great Love!

Warrior Princess Melanee Lisa!
(who is learning to make ONE CHOICE and stick to it!)
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Categories: Bible / Scripture / Torah / Truth / PAPA'S Written Word, Family / Friends / Animals, Fruits of Repentance, Growing Up, KING JESUS!, Matters of FAITH: Eternal Life or Eternal Death, Sin | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I.D.E.N.T.I.T.Y.

Dear Readers,

My Home Church (Calvary Chapel Tallahassee) has just started a class called: “Self-Confrontation: A Manual for In-Depth Biblical Discipleship.”
[sub subtitle] – “Based on [The Bible] as the only authoritative rule of faith and conduct.”

I mention this class because it’s ALL about I.D.E.N.T.I.T.Y. — truly!

The book is *not* about beating people up emotionally or spiritually (that would be abusive). It’s *not* lax in calling sin what it is — wrong and destructive, nor is it lax in saying WHO my IDENTITY is to be based on — (that would be neglectful to not state Truth clearly).

I say all of that because if I base my IDENTITY on anything (or anyone) other than CHRIST JESUS, then I have a problem that needs correcting (just like being abusive and/or neglectful). But no worries, because KING YESHUA’S Word is ALL about lovingly, firmly, clearly, consistently, and mercifully transforming me more and more into Himself!

The Scriptures repeat this same thing over and over again. (See the post script for a little more on this.)

If I were to say, do, or write anything contrary to what PAPA’S Word says, I sure hope my Brothers and Sisters would *love me enough* to share with me what His Word says. And to walk alongside of me as I adjust to the growing pains, to help lift me up when it gets REALLY painful, as well as to rejoice with me when victories are made! Especially when it comes to my IDENTITY. (Yes, I know — I’m capitalizing that word repeatedly. It’s because it’s one of the main FOUNDATIONAL parts of being born-again.)

And, while I’m thinking about it — it doesn’t matter *who* I’m talking to (Christian or non-believer) — my I.D.E.N.T.I.T.Y. remains the same. My focus is about WHO Saved me. That’s Who I focus my IDENTITY on. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Yet, there are times when I do focus elsewhere — this IS about rigorous honesty, yes? 🙂 — and when I do focus elsewhere, it’s not good. Not even close. And it sure doesn’t Glorify PAPA. No, it does not.

Here’s the REAL kicker! If I do *not* Glorify The One Who Created me (by what I say, do, write, etc.) — AND — I claim to follow Him, then I’m sending mixed messages to others. And that’s REALLY not good! (Short version: Mixed messages = destructive. Clear, Clean Boundaries = HEALTHY!)

One last thought — I just shared this in a prayer with a dear Warrior Princess Sister earlier: Because of The Scriptures, I know that I know that I know that PAPA has Clothed me in KING YESHUA’S Righteousness — I am Clothed in Him! I have been made *forever* C.L.E.A.N.!!! HalleluYAH!!! With that understanding of my IDENTITY, I want to walk, live, talk, think, behave, write, etc. more and more CLEAN (rather than more and more dirty). BUT – when I do get “muddy” from my sin (or other’s sin) on this earth, no worries! Because PAPA Washes me clean, again! Yahoo!!! 🙂

Well, thanks for letting me write (& write & write & write!) — these are some thoughts I’ve been wanting to share for years.

I pray you passionately pursue The One Who Died & Rose Again for you!!! And may you live out your I.D.E.N.T.I.T.Y. in HIM — nothing more and nothing less! Shalom, dear Readers!

In HIS Great Love!

Warrior Princess Melanee Lisa!
\/ 🙂

(P.S.  My acronym of the gist of what Scripture says I need in order for me to GROW and produce FRUIT is: R.O.P.E.!
Repent AND Obey AND Persevere. All three are required to produce GROWTH. But if I want FRUIT, then I will need to Endure testing, pain, and hardship! Then I will have MUCH good Fruit to share with others! In case you missed it – R.O.P.E.! = Repent, Obey, Persevere, Endure!)

Categories: Abuse and Neglect, Bible / Scripture / Torah / Truth / PAPA'S Written Word, Family / Friends / Animals, Fruits of Repentance, KING JESUS!, Sin | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Fearless Confidence In KING YESHUA!!! :-)

Dear Readers,

I wanted to share what PAPA has been showing me in Hebrews 10.
____________________

Hebrews 10:34-36 (AMP)

v. 34
“For you did sympathize and suffer along with those who were imprisoned, and you bore cheerfully the plundering of your belongings and the confiscation of your property, in the knowledge and consciousness that you yourselves had a better and lasting possession.”

— I have yet to bear “cheerfully the plundering of [my] belongings and the confiscation of [my] property.” (I’m referring to numerous incidents years ago with a particular Adopted Family Member.)

So . . . , since PAPA makes it VERY clear here (and in other verses in Scripture) of how I’m to live when others attack me, I wanted to share my prayer with y’all.

“KING YESHUA, I ask You and I thank You for doing whatever it takes to soften my heart towards You, Your Word, and Your Will in every area of my life — no matter what it costs me — especially in the area of cheerfully bearing attacks (both past, present, and future).”
_________________

v. 35
“Do not, therefore, fling away your fearless confidence, for it carries a great and glorious compensation of reward.”

— Fearless confidence?? I’ve not even REMOTELY been confident for weeks, much less been fearless!

But, GOD . . . , He Says He does NOT want me to fling it away, but I didn’t even realize He WANTED ME to have fearless confidence!! I’m serious!

But, GOD . . . , He has been patiently revealing to me what that means and what it looks like.

And it is . . . GLORIOUS!!!!!!!

_________________

v. 36
“For you have need of steadfast patience and endurance, so that you may perform and fully accomplish the will of God, and thus receive and carry away [and enjoy to the full] what is promised.”

— Ahhhh . . . , here are THE REASONS why PAPA wants me to live a life of fearless confidence in Him — and the vital necessity of my developing “steadfast patience and endurance”:

“. . . so that [I] may perform and fully accomplish” His Will — PLUS! — so I can “receive and carry away what is promised” — AND — fully enjoy it, too!!!!!!!

W.O.W. . . . . double-triple W.O.W. . . . . . it sure doesn’t get any better than that!
🙂
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Well, Dear Readers, I hope PAPA radically uses Hebrews 10:34-36 to BLESS you & all of yours!!!

In HIS Great Love!

Warrior Princess Melanee!
(who is working on cheerfully bearing attacks and living in fearless confidence in KING YESHUA!!! OORAH!!!)
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Categories: Bible / Scripture / Torah / Truth / PAPA'S Written Word, Family / Friends / Animals, Fruits of Repentance, KING JESUS!, Sin | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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